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Art of negotiation

do not fear to negotiate but donot negotiate out of fear!!!

– Separate people from the problm. Agreement is often based on disagreement

– Never yield to pressure , only to principle.

– Don’t attack their position , look behind it.

– Reset an attack on you as an attack on the problem.

– Ask questions and pause: questions do not criticise , they educate.

– Do not let someone treat your doubts as a personal attack. Verify facts.

Difficult  Conversations:     The more you can relieve the other person at the need to defend themselves , the easier it becomes for them to take in what you are saying and to reflect on the complexity of their motivation.

– Listen for feelings and reflect on your intentions.

– Focusing on Blame is a bad idea because it inhibits our ability to learn what really causing the problem and to do  anything meaningful to correct it: but the advice ; don’t blame other’s is no answer.

At heart Blame is about judging  and contribution is about understanding: how did we each contribute to bringing about the current situation? What did we each do or not do to get ourselves with this men? How can we change it? How can we focus on understanding

– Never ever break 4 things: Trust  + Promise  + Relations  + Heart. They dont make noise but pains a lot!!!

Difficult  Conversation:  Things don’t change , because each is waiting for the other to change.

Making a specific request for how the other person can change their contribution on the sence of helping you change yours can be a powerful.


People dislike inconsistency ‘as a rule’ !!

It is the combination of support and attach that work.

Be firm and open.  Base your solutions on the basis of principle,not pressure.

The more complex the subjet matter , the more unwise  it is to engage in positional bargaining.

– The more seriously you disagree with someone , the more independent.

It is that you be able to deal wel with that disagreement.

A good working relationship is one that can cope with differences.

Where you find irrationality: perhaps they see the situation differently.

– The better your working relationship , the better able each of you in to ingluore the other.

– It is harder to listen to things which you disagree, but that is very time it is most effective. Listen before you launch into a rebuttal.

– There is power in understanding interests : look for intangible or hidden interests that may be important.

– Effective negotiation requires persistent focus on what is most important.


The power of positive No: save the deal,save the relationship  and still say No : William Urg.

– In saying No positively : we are creating time and space for what we want.

– Yes without no is appeasement , whereas no without yes is appeasement .

– You need to pay more attention to the relationship when saying No, not len.

– A possible no enables you to have a closer and more authentic relationship with the others of that is what you want.

– Build a Golden Bridge for  other to advance across.

– Meet resistence with persistence .

– The best general is theone who never fights.

– Be prepared to answer , what did you give up?

– What about our needs – did you forget about us?

– Why weren’twe consulted?


First they ignore you, then they laugh at you: then they fight you: then you win – Mahatma Gandhi.

– Don’t just say No, say yes! No, yes?

– Don’t tell others to stop doing something you don’t want to, ask them to START doing something you do want.

– Make your request clear.  No to propose a yes?

– One of the great arts in life is learning how to disagree without being disagreeable.

– And that No needs to be said with the same sincerely , the same honesty, and in the same tone of voice that people say Yes.

– Because No is the word we use to express our power , how can you be assertive without being agressive ?

The great virtue of No are clarity and specificity.

– Say No is anything that threatens your safely , dignity and integrity.

– When angry go to balkony.

– Describe problematic behaviour plainly and neutrally.


the other exists – others interest exist – the others power exists – Know your ENEMY!!

– Listen to understand  not to refute.  The more powerful the No you intend to deliver, the more respect you need to show.

– What are you trying to CREATE by saying No?

– What are you seeking to PROTECT by saying No ?

– What are you seeking to CHANGE by saying No?

– Every important YES requires a thousands NOs.

– You can not truely say YES until you can truely say NO.

– The key to a positive NO is  respect.

– NO is preconditions to YES.



Conflicting perception, conflicting interpretation, conflicting value.

What is said? What it means?    There two sides to every coin. Yelhig to emphasige the point or to hurt me.

Biggest mistake:- to assume you know the intention of other when we are unsure if someones intention. But lavel it as bad; worst mistake !


Sometimes people act with good intention, mixed intention, with no intention.

Sometimes people act with good intention yet it may hurt.    Blame is contribution.

The question is not that whether strong feelinigs will come but how to handle them when they do.

Difficult conversations do not just  involve feelings, they are at their very core about feelings; feeling integral part of conflict.

Instead of waiting of persuade and get your way, you want to understand what has happened from the other persons.

Point of view share and understand feelings, and work together.together do figure and a way to manage the problem going forward.

If people can see what, and why thing are happenning. If they have visual time frame that integerly a delineats the hoped problem and time provided for dealing.

We must be short term responsive and long term shategn.


Changing our stance means = inviting others into conversation


when do raise an issue and when do let go.    Stop argueing about who is right; explore each others stories.

When disagreement occurs : arguement may not help.

INTENTION IS IMPACT :  I was hurt is you intended to hurt me; you reacts might say more than what you intend to say.

Distangle    Intent from impact :  Don’t talk at intention. Talk at result 3 simply say i was sorry i have hurt you.

By changing others you change yourself. Don’t be shifters seeing oneself as innocent victim.

Conflict is a nommas and continues by name by human beings.

Conflict is an opportuinity a gift. Conflict is normal in human relationships and conflict is a motor of change.


– People almost never change without first feeling understood.

– Treat people with DECENCY and INTEGRITY.

– It requires you to look hard at yourself and to change and grow.

– Stronger sense of integrity and self – respect.

– Not the question of eliminating fear and anxiety  but reducing fear and anxiety & managing them.

– You should know when to release an issue and when to let go the issue.

– Feelings are the heart of the the situations: feelings are usually complex .

– Stop arguing about who is right: explore each others stories.

– Disagreement is not a bad thing.

– Feelings and relations Vs. power and status .

– Be aware of biased perception ! Move from certainity to curiosity ie. how can they think that??= I wonder what information they have that i don’t.

– Get curious about what you don’t know about yourself.

– Norsham & I both depressed but not knowing why the other is depressed.

– Distangle INTENT  from the IMPACT.

While we deeply care about peoples intention towards us, we don’t really know what their intention are. We assume intentions from the impacts on us.

– We assume the worst ; we treat ourselves more charitabely: when we think others have bad intentions towards us , it effects our behaviour!! Vicious chain!! Intentions are often more complex than just ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

– Attributing intentions , defending ourselves and ignoring the impact . Share the impact on you; inquire about their intentions.


ART  OF  NEGOTIATION :    In substance + in the relationship

– Principaled negotiation is hard on the merits , soft on the people.

– Dont bargain on position.

– People : separate the people from the problem /proceed independent of trust

-interests: focus on interests , not position /explore interests.

– Criteria: Result be band on some objective standard.


put yourself in their shoe |  Recognition    |  1.Communication not understood

dont deduce their inten-   |  Acknowledge |     Not hearing it!!

tion out of your fear.         | don’t react.      |     Misunderstanding

don’t blame them for –                                      2. Listen

Your problem.                I                                     3.  Speak to beunderstand

  1. Speak about yourself & not them.

+ discuss each others perception +give them stake in the outcome face saving

– PREVENTION WORKS BEST: Build a working relationship + face the problem not peoples INTERESTS .POSITION: reconcile on interests not position + concentrate on stand and compatible interests (why?why not?) + realise that each side has multiple interests + the most powerful interests are : security+ economic well being + sence of belonging + recognition + control our own’s life.   + be specific + correct me if i am wrong + acknowledge their interests as parts of the problem + put the problem before your answer + look foreward ,not back + be concrete but flexible + be hard on the problem, soft on the people + attack the problem without blaming the people + be firm and  open.

– Emotional involvement  on one side of an issue makes it difficult to achieve.

The attachment necessary to think up wide ways of meeting the interests of both sides + separate creative act from the critical one + separate possibilities from selecting among them + invent first + decide later.


1, define your purpose  2,  choose a few participants  3,  change the environment  4,  design an informal atmosphere 5,  choose a facilitator.

– Broaden option:  specific and general; problem- analysis- approaches- action ideas.

Never yield to pressure , only to principle:

With more powerful partner : 1, to protect you against making an agreement you should reject.         2,   To help you make the most of the assels you do have. The better alt.option the greater power.

A good negotiator rarely makes an important decision on the spot.

Truth is simply one more argument, for dealing with the difference.

People tend to see what they want to see.

Separate the symptoms from the person with whom you  on talking understanding is not a greeting.

Let us never negotiate out of fear but let us never fear to negotiate  negotiation is not a debate.


tact is good at some level, but not ultimate answer.

Eliminating fear and anxiety is an unrealistic goel however reducing fear and anxiety and managing fear is more realistic.

We need to understand what is said: but also what is not said.

What the people are thinking and feeling but not saying to each other : this is where the real action is.


In relationship, the little things are the big things.

Build in and fill emotional bank account.

Learn to enjoy differences, it adds to knowledge, to understand knowledge. Make use of difference as a way to arrive at alternative solution.

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